CHAPTER ONE -- BECOMING “NORMAL”

Martha grew up knowing that you were supposed to be honest and always tell the truth. Those were the 50's... hard work with a work ethic and "honesty was the best policy." Now, here she was at the age of 30 trying to figure out why she ever believed that bullshit?!! Yet, for most of her life, she tried to live up to those core values. What a waste she was thinking now!

It seemed normal enough starting out from high school – graduation-- then going off to college. Even growing up with violent abuse seemed normal! There was no Children's Services then and families kept the "secrets" more out of fear of being socially outcast than out of regret of its occurrence. So, out of this "normal" life Martha emerged.

She knew she was "different," but only in college was she to find out HOW different. In high school she dated quite a few guys. One of them she even felt she was in love, but she could not bring herself to be sexually involved with him. The idea of it just repelled her. It wasn't repulsive, she just had no desire to give herself to any man. Not even if what she felt WAS love. It was in this same period though that she found she had no problem becoming sexually involved with girl-friends. These were not her “friends.” Lord knows that she had plenty of “girlfriends.” She was pretty popular in high school. Often, she was looked upon as a class clown. No, these girls were special. These girl-friends gave her that deep inner peace and warm comfort in her heart and soul and aroused her sexually. She tried to listen to the people she spoke to about it...it was just a phase. She knew she was different in some ways, but unsure in others... maybe "they" were right, it was just a phase. There was nothing to compare it to. No one was "out" back then.

She did think back often to a time when she was in junior high when she questioned her sexuality. There had been lots of whispering going on amongst the grown-ups about her Aunt. Her Aunt Janet had lived with another woman for many years. Aunt Janet was an artist and so was her "friend." They lived together across the other side of the continent from Martha. But once, and only once, she remembered a visit. Her Aunt Janet had come to visit and that's when all the whispering began. Martha would try to find out what they were talking about, but every time she came around it would get quiet. It was not proper to allow children to hear the conversations then.

Martha wondered why she was never brought to see her, nor told to go visit her like she was told to do with the other relatives. What was it about her? She was staying 500 feet from the house in one of her Dad's rental apartments! Why couldn't she see her? So, Martha decided that she didn't care if this Aunt had two heads; she wanted to meet this hidden Aunt who had traveled all that way to visit. She hadn't counted on her twin brother being a snitch. But it had been worth it.

She really enjoyed her visits with her Aunt. She did not spend too much time with her Aunt's girlfriend, but in those stolen moments she certainly grew to love this bold, assertive woman. She admired her knowledge, her creativity, and her matter-of-fact confidence. She was different from her other Aunts in some ways, but similar in many others. Martha grew to love her just as much. Why then, was this Aunt hidden? She just felt so bonded with this woman that she chose not to stay away. She was NOT horrible, mean, or awful looking, and she was such an incredible find! She knew there was something about this woman that spoke deep into her own soul. She admired her and felt totally at ease. She didn’t have to listen to her questions and suggestions about nonsense things like clothes, or how to wear your hair, or make-up, or any of that! Those things never interested Martha and they weren’t important to Aunt Janet either! They had REAL conversation! They talked about things to create, things to do in life, direction, peoples characters… things that would feed a persons insides—in their brain and soul!

Just as abruptly as her Aunt’s pleasant memories came in, they were shattered by other memories that flooded her mind. She remembered now about her twin brother ratting her out the first time she went to see her Aunt; and how he continued to keep watch hoping to catch her. She had tried to leave notes on her Aunt’s car to explain why she was not coming when she said she was. He picked them off the car and brought them to her father. God what a beating that was! The belt buckle marks stayed on her body for weeks. Some of the scars eventually blended out and back into normal-looking skin. Youthful skin can do that. And emotionally, she had already learned how to shut off pain. Sadly, she was never told why she could NOT visit this woman. Aunt Janet didn't seem any different, or any less loving than any other relative. Martha took a total of four beatings, each one harder and longer than the previous one she remembered as she drifted off thinking about just how many beatings she had gotten in her childhood before she left for college.

Even choosing college was for the wrong reasons! She needed a place to go that could get her as far away from her family as possible. She had been offered a job that would even have allowed her to stay in town. She had worked there through high school part-time and they wanted to send her through school to train her and move her up, but she needed to go. She needed to get away from them. All of them-- the mother, who had her own sexually abusive issues and no self-value, or work skills and who married too young just to get out of her own situation; the father, who was raised in violence and learned that was the only way to properly discipline children – and without anyone holding him, or his father accountable; the twin, who took every opportunity to use Martha to win the favor of his mother AND father. Martha now believed this was likely because she had more of the male characteristics than he was ever to be able to become. For him, he would come to believe that violence and ugliness was what a man was. So yes, the college that was the farthest distance was the one she selected to go to.

Two of Martha’s other siblings were gone already. They were older by five and eight years. They never really were a part of her life, but only a part of her memories... like the beatings they all had in common. There were some good memories, too, like the music they listened to, but mostly, Martha grew up by disassociating from pain, or the people who hurt her. There was no safe place in her home. There never had been for any of them. So, she got really good at not feeling. She got really good at looking normal... she had friends to model what that looked like. She also got to where she not only ignored pain, but became proud of her tolerance for it. THAT was something no one could take from her.

By today’s standards, Martha had been a “cutter.” She was in high school when this began. But to her, it wasn’t cutting, it was a way to keep her tough, a way that allowed her to know that she was still strong and could take whatever pain came her way. Only her two closest friends knew what she did. Only one of them knew why. Every time something occurred, she marked her arm like a notch on wood gun butt. At one point, Martha dared a friend to try and get her to feel pain. Her friend took her hand and scratched three areas on the top of her hand raw. Martha didn’t flinch. Next, her friend poured perfume into the raw areas. It burned like hell!! So Martha just tuned it out, without expression changes. No one could tell it bothered her even a little. She even managed a smile as if to challenge them to bring on more. Now, the pain was welcomed because it proved she was still tough enough to take whatever someone wanted to dish out! This hard, tough 17 year old now went on to college.